Opinion

OUR CORNER: Boyfriend test now in business

I have a new business scheme and it’s a dandy.

There are a few tiny problems to work out, mainly I need to convince a certain reluctant daughter of mine how brilliant my plan is.

For some time I have been trying to convince my little miss know everything daughter, Katy, that I possess all the special tools needed to pick the perfect boyfriend for her. I believe my natural sunny disposition and trust of no male under the age of 94 makes me the most fair and balanced of judges.

I’ve brought this up a number of times with Katy and I get nothing but negativity.

Hard to understand, I know.

About a week ago a brand new stroke of braininess hit me like a rock falling from the sky.

Psychological tests.

I know this guy who worked with his father-in-law and they developed some kind of psychological test to find better workers. It was called something fancy, like the better worker test. I don’t think the father-in-law thing worked so hot, but the test was a big hit somewhere.

Bingo. If Hermann Rorschach could spill ink then I could certainly develop a better boyfriend test.

Is that a great idea or what?

The idea is I will come up with a bunch of multiple choice, yes and no, fill in the blank and essay questions to weed out all the guys that make me puke, and eventually I will find the one little creep I can stand for at least a few minutes.

I’m not sure what the better worker test questions are, but I suspect there are a few clever ones like this.

• “If you are driving the company car and no one is looking, how far over 100 mph will you go?”

My idea is the better boyfriend test should run no more than 200 or 300 questions. The test should be given in a hot room under glaring heat lamps with polka music piped in for comfort.

I’ve already come up with a couple of crafty questions designed to cunningly probe the potential boyfriend’s psyche:

• On what level of hell do you belong?

• Do you know any words that start with s and have three letters? (If he answers yes, rip the test from his hands, look threatening and tell him the police are in the next room and are ready to take him to jail.)

• Name three John Wayne movies and they better be westerns. (Only give him 15 seconds to answer this one.)

• Why are fathers, even when they suffer from dementia, always right?

It’s just the beginning, but I think I’m really on to something this time.

I admit I got a little resistance when I brought the idea up to Katy.

The last time we spoke about it she said something like, “You’ve finally lost your mind.”

No worries though, I think I’m getting through.

Hang on because this could be the biggest thing since Hermann Rorschach spilled that bottle of ink.

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